How Not to Kill Your Teammate
by KaydenceRei
Summary: Snoring was something Natasha Romanoff could handle, it didn't bother her, but this noise was nothing short of monstrous; a new form of torture that she wasn't sure she could endure.


**Author's Note** : When my brain thinks it, I must write it. That's really all there is to it!

 **Disclaimer** : Not mine.

 **How Not to Kill Your Teammate** :

Natasha Romanoff was trained to endure, very nearly, any form of torture the world had come up with thus far. Nobody had prepared her for Bruce Banner and his many quirks. It was their first mission together, the first time he was joining any of them since the battle of New York, and she honestly could think of no reason _not_ to kill this man right now; at least until she remembered he could turn green and snap her in half.

She rubbed her eyes tiredly, glaring daggers over to the man who was sleeping on the couch in the safe-house, because the horrifying noise that man made while he slept, she wasn't even sure could be classified as human. Snoring was something she could handle, it didn't bother her, but this _noise_ , was nothing short of monstrous; a new form of torture that she wasn't sure she could endure.

Finally she rolled off the bed with one simple goal in mind: shut Bruce Banner up before she killed him. The other Avengers probably wouldn't be very agreeable if she murdered her partner while he slept, and they almost certainly wouldn't accept her excuse that his snoring was just so God-awful that she snapped. She had been reluctant about teaming with Bruce at first, because honestly, she was a solo artist in the dance of death. Natasha wasn't _partner_ material, not unless it was Clint, or more recently, Steve.

She was regretting her agreement to needing his brains for this mission now as she padded her way into the bathroom. She felt the frown on her lips as she leaned over the sink and debated the best possible way, besides sudden death, to stop that incessant noise. Her eyes shifted to the roll of toilet paper warily before she ripped off several pieces and stepped back into the other room. She looked down at it in her hands and wondered if she should actually go through with her plan, but as soon as she heard the monster release his roar again, she didn't give it a second thought. Silently, she stepped over to him and wadded up the toilet paper before she proceeded to shove them up his nostrils.

It seemed to be a success, because she was greeted with silence, so she went back to her prone position on the bed. The moment her head hit the pillow there was a massive noise that sounded like nails on a chalkboard. Natasha glanced over in annoyance to see that he had flung the toilet paper plugs out in his sleep. She muttered a few choice expletives in Russian before she rolled back out of the bed and disappeared into the kitchen this time. " _Bozhe moi,_ " she grumbled out. "The man snores like a drunken sailor with emphysema."

She shook her head before she looked around the tiny kitchen for anything that might be useful. It took a moment, since there wasn't a whole lot in there, before she came across a giant plastic clip. Her eyebrows knitted together slightly as she picked it up between her thumb and index finger and she studied it in thought. "Why the hell not?" she decided with a small shrug of her shoulders. She slowly trudged her way back into the lion's den and silently made her way back over to him. Her teal eyes watched him warily when suddenly the beast bellowed once again. She opened the clip before she carefully clamped it over his nose and she had to cover her mouth to suppress a chuckle at the sight of it.

All was quiet again and she felt relief as she turned to go back to bed. Natasha didn't even manage to fully turn before his hand swatted at his face and the plastic clip flew off and hit her in the leg. She stifled a groan and put her hands on her hips, when the volcano of noise erupted again, she actually jumped a little at it and decided it should be legal to murder someone if they made noises that were this offensive. She had a sudden vision of herself whacking the scientist silly with a pillow to beat the incorrigible noise out of him.

She decided against it quickly when she figured the Other Guy probably wouldn't be a fan of her plan. Her eye twitched slightly before she opened up her duffle bag and she yanked out one of her clean socks. She rolled it into a ball and shoved it into Bruce's mouth the moment he opened it to release the beast, once more, into the wilderness. Natasha almost felt guilty for it, but the silence made the guilt dissipate almost instantly. She let out a final sigh of relief as she went back to the bed and laid down before she closed her eyes.

Unfortunately, just as she was beginning to drift off he let out the most ungodly sound that she was fairly certain, could suck the drapes right off the windows. She let out a groan of frustration and put her pillow over her head to muffle the noise slightly. The idea to beat him senseless with the pillow was becoming all the more appealing now. Even so, she held out on murder and beat-downs as she stood back on her feet. Clint's wife had told her that his snoring was always worse when he slept on his back, so Natasha scooted over to the couch. She rolled her eyes when the epic noise was released and she put her hands on him and rolled him over. For whatever reason, Bruce rolled back and turned in her direction before his arm flopped towards her and dragged her down onto it with him.

She actually got a few chills when she felt his face bury into the crook of her neck and his hot breath came in little puffs on her neck. The most notable thing, however, was that as she laid there dumbfounded for a few minutes, he hadn't let out the wildebeest to harass her. Her eye twitched involunarily when she felt something wet on her neck and she glanced down in time to see him _lick_ her. "You little..." she grumbled as she pushed him off of her and flung him off the couch entirely.

But all she heard from the floor was mumbling. She leaned over to look with her eyebrow quirked up just in time for him to reach his arms out and drag her to the floor on top of him. "What the _hell_ are you..." she paused when she realized he wasn't awake. "Oh brother... you've got to be kidding me," she muttered out. Just as she moved to get off of him, she felt his arms wrap around her and pull her back down. She let out a rather impromptu _oomph_ in response when her face was pressed into his chest. "Banner," she warned and she slapped at this arms. She rolled her eyes when she got no response and moved to get back up. Once more, she was unceremoniously pulled back down. She heard him mutter a ' _don't go_ ' and she sighed. This was ridiculous, and it became even more so when he pulled her head back down and she felt his breath on her neck again. Only this time, it wasn't his tongue she felt, it was most definitely his lips.

There was an odd feeling in her stomach and an involuntary noise, that she concluded was akin to a moan, emitted from her lips before she could stop it. She felt him stiffen almost immediately.

"What the..."

Natasha actually felt the red covering her face now, because Bruce still hadn't actually released her in his, now awake, stupor. Unfortunately, when she actually found her ability to respond, her words came out a little husky, "Can you let me go now?"

Bruce dropped his arms off her faster than she thought humanly possible and he stared up at her in utter shock and confusion. Not to mention, she definitely still had a little pink to her cheeks, "What were you..." his brow ruffled, "And me..."

"You snore," she answered carefully before standing up and shuffling over to the bed. She wasn't sure she trusted herself not to do or say anything else stupid.

Bruce blinked through the confusion as he laid on the floor and watched her walk away. He wasn't sure he actually understood how all of what just happened played out because he snored, but it certainly took a lot to embarrass Natasha, and she had looked more than a little flustered with the ordeal.

 **()()**

 **Shenanigans ensue when I'm around. This was stuck in my head. Hope you got a good chuckle out of it!**


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